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Living and Breathing
Love Yourself <3
11 April 2012 @ 10:28 am
Just another day where you feel depressed. A literal dark cloud hovering over your head. Why? No reason at all, just that it's my monthly time.
Embarrassing but I burst out crying in the middle of the kitchen after work just because of some ridiculous thing. I got angry too because the pineapple was unripe. I was ridiculously happy and hyper when someone was feeling sad. (sorry)
I'm utterly absurd.
I just hope it passes soon. Hope I'll be back to normal, or at least as normal as I'll ever be hehe. -_-"
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
03 March 2012 @ 08:48 pm
After all the crying and frustration, I came to a final realization that there's nothing I can do about it. Although things seem so bleak now, like people have been telling me, it's not over. There's always a way out and I just have to find it.
Contemplating the worst is not going to help. I have to get off my laurels and throw away my negativeness and think about my next step. I have to try. If it doesn't work out, try again.
I apologise for making people worry about me and I apologise for my selfishness to others who fared worse than me. At that time, all I could think off was about my current situation. I wish I could have offered more support and consolation. I guess all humans first reaction is to care for their survival. I just hope everyone would come to the same realization as me and take heart in it and not let our absymal results bring us down.
Still we need an outlet for our frustration ne. After this, we just have to let it go :D
Start:
I can't believe I got a B for GP. Although it may seem good to others what I expects from myself was an A. I was so sure I could clinch that A.
An E for lit? Seriously? I expected at least a B :(
I'm happy I got a B for econs and proved my teacher wrong. The teacher who told me " can you at least get a C." That brought my confidence down but I'm glad I surpassed your expectations and finally got a good score for this subject that have always been my downfall.
A C for chem? That was unexpected. I was sure I'll get lower with how badly I screwed up that paper. I actually think that the whole cohort did very badly that's why the marks have been shifted around and this giving me an absolutely wonderful score (in my opinion)
A D in maths? I'm really upset. I studied quite hard for maths and I thought I scored well enough in the second paper to make up for the first :(
END
Well rant over. My expectations have been turned over upside down. 69 points. 2 more points to the school's average.
Sigh. I'm truly disappointed but I have to deal with it and just try ne.
Thank you my dear cousins and friends for supporting me. Although I feel I hardly deserve it but thanks for giving those encouragements :D
Truly thankful.
<3
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
21 February 2012 @ 10:04 pm
Keeping my peace.
Locking my anger and tears.
I'm tired. Truly and utterly exhausted.
I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders although of course it's not. There is just a fair amount of burden to make my whole body feel heavy.
This heavy feeling in me. This unshed tears and unvoiced anger and frustration.
Truthfully all I heard from the journey was that keep your mouth shut when you are angry. Others can talk about you as you like but just bear with it. Because you are not mature enough or that the other person is older hence he has the rights to speak out against you.
I say bullshit.
All I heard was you defending all his actions. It seems like I was totally in the wrong.
Not to me. You said it as if you did not hear him saying how I should just shut my mouth and that I was so spoiled and someone should put me in line.
Well the way you said it was like how you would talk to a dog owner about how to train his dog.
But I guess you conveniently misplaced that piece of memory didn't you?
So many things I want to say. All my arguments crowding my brain. So much do that I can hardly say everything. All I can do is grit my teeth and bear with the humiliation. Reign in my anger and breathe in and out.
Everything will be alright? I don't think so. It's almost the last straw. I'm too far gone in my hatred. You nurtured it with your actions, your snide comments, your hypocritical words, everything about you causes the black flame of hate to surge through me.
One day. One day I'll say enough is enough. And then I'll be done. But not yet. Maybe never.
I'm still helpless in my weakness.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
20 February 2012 @ 11:04 pm
I'm not dramatic. It just reminds me of why I hate myself so much.
For being so weak that I can't even stand up for myself or do something that can even remotely get me aways.
How immature of me.
I have such flair for the dramatics.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
20 February 2012 @ 10:54 pm
You dare talk about me in this way? Always I just seem to collapse in defeat. Always I'm too angry to do anything but cry. It seems things never change.
All these years my resentment for you just piles up.
Blood? Psh! What is that?
It's just gives you an excuse to say what you want?
You want me to shut up? I want you want you to shut the hell up and get out of my life. I can't wait for the day you will be gone.
You! You've never defended me. You say you do but what do you protect me from? You add more barbs when it's already surrounding me and tightening it's hold on me.
Wretched life. It's no wonder I haven't done anything yet.
We know others are suffering more than we are but we can hardly pull ourselves to care when we are so stuck in our misery. This defenseless feeling! This absolute darkness that covers our paths and sights. It's never ending, this whole vicious cycle.
You who talk about others close your eyes at your own faults? Have I ever dared tell others what you are doing? How would I even dare open my mouth and let other know about your shameless deeds that puts me in such a spot?
All I seem to be able to do is cry and scream in my mind. To keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence.
When I do open my mouth it seems to only be taken as absolutely rubbish and no one sees what I do.
Once I open my mouth all my hate for you tries to rush out all at once not doing me any favour.
I hate you.
Absolute. Utter. Loathing.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
04 February 2012 @ 03:28 pm
I kept telling myself I would go out and run because i've been feeling really unfit and fat.
I told myself I'll run at 3pm today but now it's 3.10pm and i've yet to get up from my relatively comfortable seat to do what I wish I would do.
I just do not have enough will power...
BUT! I'm sure I will start running again soon because as many people know, I hate it when I feel fat. I feel absolutely disgusting and I really feel like resorting to self-mutilation (as in pulling and cutting all the flabby parts away from my body)
Yes. I have a very big fear of becoming fat. I've resorted to many measures that are unhealthy just to shed the pounds. I'm trying not to do it now and I guess working in a restaurant that serves me food that are perhaps a little fattening is really helping me (or not) from starving myself. I just can't stop eating now and I can feel all the fats building up in me.
I keep weighing myself and I feel absoulutely horrified whenever I see that I'm at around 46KG. Yes to others it's considered light but for me, I remember the time 2 years ago when I was around 41-42 KG ( Yes through unhealthy methods of starving myself but it still does get me wistfully thinking about that time when I felt happier)
Enough of fatty talks.
Yesterday I did an extremely heart-breaking thing that sent me running to the toilet once I reached home, and sobbing uncontrollably. I dropped my phone and cracked my iPhone screen. Now that I think about it. It's actually not that bad since it's at the bottom of the LCD screen but I'm still thinking if I should spend about $200 to repair it.
It also got me realising that people in my family most likely do not have empathy. My parents especially. Sure it was my fault that I dropped it but do you have to keep going on and on about it. Just leave me alone.
There's a time to talk and there's a time to just shut it. If you have nothing good to say, then don't say it. I guess I wish that others will keep by that but I do know even I am not that good at shutting my mouth so what right do I have to want people to that.
Scenarios of what could have been keeps playing in my mind.
Such as:
1) If only mum told me there's food for me at home then I wouldn't have rushed around hurrying to buy food as fast as possible since my father was waiting outside
2) If my father didn't call me and told me that he's waiting outside. If only he didn't sound so urgent.
I know my father's temper and I was afraid that he would be pissed off if he was kept waiting too long.
Well so many what ifs and me trying to feel better by trying to blame others too. I guessit is a natural reaction for humans. Pushing the blame to others.
Nothing I can do now to turn back the clock so I will have to deal with it so would everyone stop being so insensitive and throwing remarks like 'why are you so careless' or 'it's your fault' or 'I'll buy you a new phone'
If you don't really know the situation and how I felt like had to hurry please just shut it. So yes it applies to everyone.
I guess I just had to rant to feel better. Boo hoo... I still feel bad and angry. At myself and at others for their insensitivity. ( Do I even deserve sensitivity? I actually don't know.)
I told myself I'll run at 3pm today but now it's 3.10pm and i've yet to get up from my relatively comfortable seat to do what I wish I would do.
I just do not have enough will power...
BUT! I'm sure I will start running again soon because as many people know, I hate it when I feel fat. I feel absolutely disgusting and I really feel like resorting to self-mutilation (as in pulling and cutting all the flabby parts away from my body)
Yes. I have a very big fear of becoming fat. I've resorted to many measures that are unhealthy just to shed the pounds. I'm trying not to do it now and I guess working in a restaurant that serves me food that are perhaps a little fattening is really helping me (or not) from starving myself. I just can't stop eating now and I can feel all the fats building up in me.
I keep weighing myself and I feel absoulutely horrified whenever I see that I'm at around 46KG. Yes to others it's considered light but for me, I remember the time 2 years ago when I was around 41-42 KG ( Yes through unhealthy methods of starving myself but it still does get me wistfully thinking about that time when I felt happier)
Enough of fatty talks.
Yesterday I did an extremely heart-breaking thing that sent me running to the toilet once I reached home, and sobbing uncontrollably. I dropped my phone and cracked my iPhone screen. Now that I think about it. It's actually not that bad since it's at the bottom of the LCD screen but I'm still thinking if I should spend about $200 to repair it.
It also got me realising that people in my family most likely do not have empathy. My parents especially. Sure it was my fault that I dropped it but do you have to keep going on and on about it. Just leave me alone.
There's a time to talk and there's a time to just shut it. If you have nothing good to say, then don't say it. I guess I wish that others will keep by that but I do know even I am not that good at shutting my mouth so what right do I have to want people to that.
Scenarios of what could have been keeps playing in my mind.
Such as:
1) If only mum told me there's food for me at home then I wouldn't have rushed around hurrying to buy food as fast as possible since my father was waiting outside
2) If my father didn't call me and told me that he's waiting outside. If only he didn't sound so urgent.
I know my father's temper and I was afraid that he would be pissed off if he was kept waiting too long.
Well so many what ifs and me trying to feel better by trying to blame others too. I guessit is a natural reaction for humans. Pushing the blame to others.
Nothing I can do now to turn back the clock so I will have to deal with it so would everyone stop being so insensitive and throwing remarks like 'why are you so careless' or 'it's your fault' or 'I'll buy you a new phone'
If you don't really know the situation and how I felt like had to hurry please just shut it. So yes it applies to everyone.
I guess I just had to rant to feel better. Boo hoo... I still feel bad and angry. At myself and at others for their insensitivity. ( Do I even deserve sensitivity? I actually don't know.)
Current Mood: 
aggravated
aggravated02 January 2012 @ 09:21 pm
It's the new year and I did something outrageous. It was something that I wanted to do for a long time and I did it on a spur of the moment kind of thing lol!
I shopped the whole day and spent at least $350 of the $500 dad gave haha! That is inclusive of the thing I did haha!
I got 4 shirts/blouses and 1 skirt!!!!
Yeah Miss Selfridge is ex like hell but I love their long loose shirts!!!! OMG! I couldn't decided which to buy so I bought all and it chalked up to about $187 spent and a bonus of a fashion fast forward card haha!!
Happy new year!!!!
Oh! and christmas was awesome!!!!!!!!!!! Presents and tradition love it! Next one, CNY! Hong bao na lai!!!
16 December 2011 @ 12:05 am
I'm going to share my joy with you!!!
I. Got. The. Job!!!!
AHAHAHA!!!!
I'm currently uber hungry but I still feel like a fatty ginormous piggy :((
Yest Wicked was awesome! There's no words to describe it but it was just simply fantabulous.... fwifnenkijwniko... etc... HAHA!!!
TOSS TOSS TEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!
I. Got. The. Job!!!!
AHAHAHA!!!!
I'm currently uber hungry but I still feel like a fatty ginormous piggy :((
Yest Wicked was awesome! There's no words to describe it but it was just simply fantabulous.... fwifnenkijwniko... etc... HAHA!!!
TOSS TOSS TEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!
12 December 2011 @ 01:59 am
My stomach is churning and I feel nauseas.
This wait is killing me! Who knew waiting for a phone call could be so torturous. I don't know. I have this ominous feeling! I don't think I will get the job because I can't work as late as they want me to and when I start working I have to take leave only just one month later to fly off for Chinese New Year when they most probably need my help? If I knew mum would be like this I would have just looked for work after CNY... Goodness sometimes she makes me so mad...
I haven't been sleeping well... Every night I toss and turn while my stomach kills itself by flipping over and over again and the butterflies rummage through my stomach for god knows what reason. I can't go to sleep even when it's 4am and when I slowly drift off to sleep I wake up in intervals.
I don't think this is doing me any good. Sooner or later I'm going to feel the result of this lack of sleep... I don't know what I can do to calm myself down. All I can do is distract myself and try to wear myself out before bed time...
This wait is killing me! Who knew waiting for a phone call could be so torturous. I don't know. I have this ominous feeling! I don't think I will get the job because I can't work as late as they want me to and when I start working I have to take leave only just one month later to fly off for Chinese New Year when they most probably need my help? If I knew mum would be like this I would have just looked for work after CNY... Goodness sometimes she makes me so mad...
I haven't been sleeping well... Every night I toss and turn while my stomach kills itself by flipping over and over again and the butterflies rummage through my stomach for god knows what reason. I can't go to sleep even when it's 4am and when I slowly drift off to sleep I wake up in intervals.
I don't think this is doing me any good. Sooner or later I'm going to feel the result of this lack of sleep... I don't know what I can do to calm myself down. All I can do is distract myself and try to wear myself out before bed time...
